


My Mother Is A Teratophiliac

by Oli_in_the_swamp (oliczek23)



Series: Teratophiliacs, Teratophiliacs Everywhere [1]
Category: Tales of Arcadia (Cartoons)
Genre: Alcohol, Awkward Conversations, Barbara Lake Is A Teratophiliac, Barbara Lake Is A Trollfucker, Barbara gets drunk a lot in this one, Bisexual Barbara Lake, Crack, Crack Relationships, Drinking, Forbidden Love, Gen, Human Jim Lake Jr. (Tales of Arcadia), Jim has an issue with that, Love, Minor Character Death, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:27:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27684221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oliczek23/pseuds/Oli_in_the_swamp
Summary: When his mother comes home early Jim expects to be questioned about standing in the hall and looking suspicious, not get to know about her love journey.
Relationships: Barbara Lake & Jim Lake Jr., Barbara Lake & Walter Strickler | Stricklander, Barbara Lake/James Lake Sr. (mentioned), Barbara Lake/Original Character(s) (mentioned), Barbara Lake/Walter Strickler | Stricklander
Series: Teratophiliacs, Teratophiliacs Everywhere [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2032240
Comments: 14
Kudos: 32





	1. My Mother Is A Teratophiliac

**Author's Note:**

> Here, have a glimpse into my cursed mind.

It all happened very very unexpectedly.

Maybe he should have connected the clues, with never seeing his mother’s new partners after his father left, with Blinky always having something to tell him, but lacking time and will to do so, with trolls in the Trollmarket hissing out _‘another_ fleshbag’... But he didn’t.

So picture that, Jim was just standing there, in the hall, still in the armour because he _just_ came home, when he heard the front door open, so he deactivated the amulet and was about to put it in his pocket when his mother’s tired eyes landed on it and she gasped, going ramrod straight, before pointing at it with urgency.

“Uh… Hi mom?” he said quietly, seeing as she hasn’t moved from her spot in the doorframe for several seconds. And apparently breaking the silence was a mistake, because she took a big breath and squeaked out:

“YOU’RE A TROLLHUNTER!?”

It took Jim another several seconds to reboot his brain because _sweet baby jesus what—_

 _"HOW_ DID YOU KNOW!?!?"

“I—” she took another deep breath and closed the door behind herself, and squeaked out again. “I— I dated Kanjigar for a while.”

“YOU _WHAT!?”_

_“WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?”_

_“BECAUSE YOU APPARENTLY DATED A **TROLL!!** ”_

* * *

“So let me get this straight—” They were sitting over chamomile and lemon balm tea, known for their calming tendencies. That was exactly what Jim needed at that moment. “You… have been at the Trollmarket before.”

“Yes, I stumbled into it by accident, following some more human-looking troll that I didn’t recognize as inhuman in the night… I was a curious and unreasonably brave teenager.” She was smiling lightly, reminiscing about happy memories full of _magic_ and _trolls_ and _troll affairs_ because _why not?_ A totally normal thing to have in your memory, totally not weird.

“And you… met Kanjigar there.”

“Yep, he caught me when I was screaming bloody murder, trying to escape from some trolls who were chasing me as an intruder.” The smile turned blissful, and Jim _did not_ want to imagine the implications. He still did, of course, because his brain was a traitor and was currently picturing his mother making out with a piece of rock twice her height.

“So… why didn’t they wipe your memories?” surely Vendel had a rock for that. Vendel seemed to have a rock for everything.

His mother appeared to be deep in her thoughts before she answered with a shake of her head. “No idea, I think it just didn’t cross their minds, and then it was too awkward to do that.”

“So… you…” Jim’s throat clogged up. How was he even supposed to ask that?

“I dated Kanjigar shortly, for about six months. Then he realized the age difference between us, even the relative one, and we decided to break it up peacefully.” Jim did _not_ want to hear that. Holy shit.

“...Doesn’t he have a _wife,_ who’s still _very much alive?”_ Draal rarely mentioned his mother… for various reasons, but he did mention she’s still _there._

“And in Europe. She left him!”

 _“He_ left _her!”_

“Why are we arguing over dead troll’s married life?” Good question.

 _“Because you dated him!”_ he couldn’t help the maniac edge in his voice. The whole situation was just _ridiculous._

“We’re running in circles,” his mother sighed, and stood up with her mug. Jim followed her with his eyes cautiously, as she opened a cabinet, took out a bottle of whiskey, and poured some into her tea. “Avoiding the subject of whether or not Kanjigar was cheating on his wife or not with me, do you have any other questions?”

Jim pondered over this for a while. Did he? _Did he?_

 _“Of course,_ I do! How did you survive _6 months_ of dating a troll!?”

She just laughed, wheezing almost, before she took a sip of the spiked tea to calm down.

“Oh you have _no_ idea…”

* * *

"...and well, then there was this Teldur troll, that didn't work out very well, I dumped him after two weeks…” His mother was probably drunk at this point. He kinda wished he was of age so he could do that too. This ‘Teldur’ was the _fourth_ troll she has dated. “And there was this lovely stalking—Nena,” _A stalking? REALLY?_ “I loved flying with her, but she pretty quickly figured out that she wasn't really interested in any relationships…” So there are queer trolls, who would have guessed. “...and there was Begun, he figured out he was gay... I really don't have luck with people, I mean, trolls, do I?" She was resting her head on the arms, looking longingly at the empty space on the side.

"Considering my father? You don't really have luck with people either." She snorted at that, nodding her head lightly.

"I mean, at least there's Walter, right?" she mumbled and Jim felt ice crawl up his back. Oh. _Oh._ Should he just… tell her? “Jim? You’re weirdly silent…”

_“Well about that—”_

“Don’t tell me he’s a changeling,” she sounded almost pleading, and he smiled at her strained.

“Well…”

_**“Goddammit.”** _


	2. My Girlfriend Is A Teratophiliac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barbara has an overdue talk with Strickler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's minor character death mentioned. He was one of Barbara's boyfriends, you don't need to care about him.

After the initial… _disagreement_ and a few strongly-worded messages and apologies, Walter and Barbara settled into their relationship with way more comfort than before. In between he went through some Order-betrayals, switching sides, and started working on… general goodness and niceness that he used to think he wasn’t capable of, but it was working out, somehow.

Honestly, he was surprised she hadn't dropped him the moment Jim told her about what he was, that she insisted they could work it out if he only stopped his “evil deeds”, and by Gorgus, _it did._

He still had no idea what kind of charm prompted him to betray the order and help the Trollhunter… although he had an inkling. Sure, he wasn’t allergic to emotions, quite the opposite, but… love seemed a little… too strong of a word usually. Yet it definitely was what he felt for Barbara. That was the only explanation why he went through all… _that._

But it was worth it.

He couldn’t remember when was the last time he experienced such care and gentleness, when was the last time he experienced such _happiness,_ just because of being by someone’s side. Through good and through bad, through hard days and peaceful ones, he felt overwhelmingly joyous to the point where he felt himself smile whenever Barbara entered his vision.

He fell quick and deep and he didn’t even want to pick himself up from the floor where his logical thinking splattered itself all over it.

And that’s why he wasn’t too bothered when she asked him about his past. There was no use trying to hide it, and she seemed genuinely interested, as well as non-judgmental about it. A perfect mix that made the retelling easier.

But it didn’t mean that sometimes her questions wouldn’t catch him off-guard. Like this one.

“Do you perhaps know if anyone named James Augsbury was one of the changelings?” It came from nowhere, they were just sitting on the sofa after dinner and she just— asked. Simply. The name managed to freeze him up a little though because… _how_ has she known it?

"Yes actually,” he began carefully, eyeing her for a reaction. She was tense, eyes blown wide— “He was stationed in Arcadia before me, I was put here as his replacement…” She stood up as he trailed off, startled. “Barb? Are you okay..?”

He hasn’t gotten an answer as she walked out of the house, face carefully blank.

He was understandably worried, but he knew better than to follow her. She would be safe, she just needed time to process… whatever additional information he gave her with that statement.

When she came back it was late evening already. And _by Gorgus_ did she stink of the alcohol. He hasn’t seen her like that during their entire relationship. Thankfully she didn’t seem either violate or on the verge of sicking on the floor, but he still helped her to the couch and got a glass of water, which she accepted without a complaint, if sluggishly.

“Barbara, are you—”

_“All_ my partners were _trolls,”_ she rasped out between the gulps and he could only blink at her. What? “Literally all of them. _What the fuck._ All, _**all**_ of them.”

“Barbara, I don’t think you—”

_“No,_ no, you need to hear this,” her words were slurred, but mostly coherent. She threw her hands on his shoulders and slowly murmured, “I have dated trolls before you.”

“Oh, well, that’s—” That would actually explain quite a lot of things, like her complete lack of fear of his less humane features. If it was true, of course. He somehow doubted it. “—good? I guess?”

“A _lot_ of trolls,” she insisted with… uh, urgency? He couldn’t pinpoint what exactly she wanted to say, so he just nodded, and she nodded back, apparently satisfied with it, cause she also took her hands away from his shoulders, and leaned back on the couch instead. “Like, _so many_ trolls. It was _ridiculous.”_

“Any names you want to drop?” He was nearly sure she would stop with the made-up story if he asked for details… and then he nearly choked on his own saliva when she nodded and proudly said:

“Kanjigar.”

_“What?”_ No, no, she was joking, surely.

“That was a mistake. But he was decent. Kinda a dick though.” She had a loopy smile on her face that would probably look adorable to Walter if he wasn’t focusing on her words so much. “And he hasn’t told me he has a wife until like… the second month. A total dickhead.” That… That was an uncomfortable amount of details. It sounded less and less like a made-up story. _Oh no._ “I guess you wouldn’t know Gurpur, he died young because he miscalculated how much time it would take for him to get from my house to the tunnel and the sun got him.” He… He _actually knew that one._ He cleaned up his statue after it got dumped on his lawn… _**Welp. So that was true.**_ “Mmmm who else was there… Pari was nice… not much to say about her. Nena was also nice… Teldur was kinda a whore not gonna lie… Begun… eh, _Begun, begin, be **gone.**_ … And then there was _James_ apparently.” Her voice was growing in volume steadily. She was getting worked up. and Walter was having an existential crisis _because if she was saying the truth—_

“You… dated James Augsbury…?” he asked delicately, and she sent him a bewildered look, laughing out loud.

_“Dated?_ I _married_ him!” _...Wait._

“Is… Is Lake your _maiden_ name?”

_“Yep._ I see you’re starting to see the picture.”

_“You_ were the one who compromised one of our best agents!” _Holy mother of trolls—_ This woman was too fucking powerful.

“Oh, I did?” she looked way too happy about it. _Way_ too happy. “Cool. Girl power.”

Walter didn’t have much commentary to make on that. He was just completely and utterly _stunned_ because _what the hell._

“Mmmmm but yeah, I thought that I have dated _two_ humans in my life,” Barbara continued unbothered. “James, which, well, _no,_ and _you_ so… you can see the problem here.” Yeah, he kinda could. “I’ve managed to date two changelings. Never a human.”

“Unlucky you.” She nodded at him energetically and finally finished her water, so he could take the glass from her.

And then he nearly dropped it when she asked:

“Does Jim qualify as a half-changeling?”

_“Pardon?”_

“Does Jim qualify as a half-changeling?” she repeated incredulously as if it was a completely normal thing to ask. “Because you know, I had him with James. Who was a changeling. I don’t know how the magic works, perhaps you do? Have you ever had children, Walt?”

“I— No— But— I— Uh—” he felt as if his brain was physically buffering and his hands itched for a good troll-made ale that could knock him out faster than any human vodka. He was _not_ ready for a conversation like that. It was just so… bizarre. _Could_ Young Atlas transform at some point even without a familiar? Did he have any trollish traits? Perhaps the sun burned him more easily than a normal human being or something like that?

Newer and newer questions appeared in his mind and he knew it was overloading. If he lived in a cartoon there would be steam coming out of his ear right now. The glass slipped from his hand and bounced softly on the sofa, spilling the leftover droplets of water around.

He put his face in his hands, feeling the questions buzz in his mind like a hive of aggressive wasps.

“Barbara, what the _fuck?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE DECIDED TO LIVE MY BEST LIFE AND MAKE IT A SERIES! FUCK IT.
> 
> This AU will have another part so if you like it make sure to subscribe to the series.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed this trash!
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/OliSwamp) | [Discord](https://discord.gg/YgA4gry) | [Tumblr](https://oli-in-the-swamp.tumblr.com/) | [Carrd](https://oliswamp.carrd.co/)


End file.
